I have a special relationship with Swiss Rolls
(and other sugar products, but that's for anther day!).
(and other sugar products, but that's for anther day!).
We love each other on a deep level.
Since I share this incredible connection with Swiss Rolls (Little Debbie not the knock off, they taste different), I feel it is my responsibility to show you how to eat a Swiss Roll properly, because I have been advised by two trusted sources that apparently the rest of the world does not eat Swiss Rolls the way I do.
I find this VERY hard to believe.
Step 1: Select one of the two rolls.
Step 2: Eat the hard chocolate outer shell. Eat ONLY the hard outer shell.
Step 3: Make sure to remove the hard chocolate from both ends of the rolls.
Step 4: Begin to unroll the roll.
Step 5: If it begins to break, you may eat the soft chocolate layer which has broken off.
Step 6: Use your finger to wipe, or lick, the exposed white filling.
Step 7: Once unrolled, repeat Step 6.
Step 8: Eat soft chocolate layer. I will spare you the picture of the rolls entering my mouth. You are welcome.
Step 9: Pick up the 2nd roll and repeat beginning with Step 2.
I am glad I could make each of you aware of the proper way to eat a Swiss Roll. My good deed for the day is complete.
Good Day.
Dear Consumer:
ReplyDeleteWe at Little Debbie are pleased for your loyalty to our brand. Little Debbie Swiss Rolls are our most popular snack item. Clearly many consumers agree with your affection for this treat.
Few people know the proprietary processes involved in the production of Little Debbie Swiss Rolls. Because you are such an ardent fan we feel you deserve a peek behind the scenes.
Little Debbie Swiss Rolls are produced, in fact, in Switzerland. Have you seen Switzerland? If you have doubtless you noted that Switzerland has an abundance of four things: mountains, cows, chocolate and military knives which Americans refer to as Swiss Army Knives. (Switzerland also has innumerable watches and three and one-half gzillion banks. But those are not important for our purposes.)
After an optimization study Little Debbie decided to build our production facilities for the Swiss Rolls high in the Alps. There we combine the finest wheat, cane sugar, and Swiss chocolate essence to create the cake portion of the rolls.
In an unusual decision for the snack food industry, we built our ovens in such a manner that the cake emerges from the oven on a conveyor and is cut to size by our hand-selected soldiers (hey, we're neutral: the soldiers aren't busy) using their Swiss Army Knives. These cake pieces are then allowed to reach the end of the conveyor where they tumble to the sweet, alpine grass that covers the mountains. We believe this to be unique in the industry, noting that the Keebler elves and their so-called Tree Kitchen were not craftsmen, were half-in-the-bag most days at work, and were subsequently conquered and enslaved by Smurfs in a bloodless coup in the late 90s.
As the cut and sized chocolate cake hits the grass, the incline of the mountain pulls the cake down the hillside using only gravity. This is the green-portion of our production process, requiring no electricity, no green-house gasses, merely the attraction of Mother Gaia calling our cake squares to move down, down, down the hill.
Our Swiss cows, which produce the sweetest milk, a result of munching on the afore-mentioned alpine grass,and sipping on lightly sweetened spring water, are equipped with proprietary cow shoes: The shoes, springs fitted to the cows' hooves, cause the cows to gently undulate as they stroll about the fenced meadow. The effect of the springs is to pre-churn the milk into a slightly whipped cream. As the chocolate cake pieces begin their trek down the mountain side the trained cows are alerted by a humane tinkling of bells indicating it is time to release a precise amount of sweetened, slightly whipped cream.
The addition of the cream changes the aerodynamic flow of the cake/cream combination, resulting in a rolling movement; this movement results in the cake and cream curling into the rolled form with which you are familiar.
At the end of the trip down the mountain the rolls gently splash into a waiting bath of finest Swiss milk chocolate, where they are gently lifted out by salmon nets, and allowed to dry in the cool alpine air before being packaged and sent to fine grocers throughout the world.
As you can see, ours is a unique process possible only via our heritage of Swiss precision. We take great pride in our production methods and the resulting products.
Appreciating your customer loyalty over these many years, we assure you of our continued dedication to your enjoyment of Little Debbie Swiss Rolls.
That said, we would like to ask you, ever so kindly in the spirit of Gemuelichkeit, to PLEASE STOP TREATING OUR PRECISION CRAFTED PRODUCTS AS MERE OREOS! Certainly you will appreciate that such a complex and consumer-focused process to create these quality treats is rendered moot by the wanton disassembly of the Swiss Rolls.
We thank you for your consderation in this matter and trust that you will have no need to become personally familiar with the Swiss Guard Team 6, whose talents go well beyond protecting His Holiness.
Gruss Gott and Vielen Dank,
Fraulein Debbi